Godform Cycle - March 2015

[Tara Flower]

Trigag Invocation.  I didn't fancy the idea of calling two dark and powerful  entities, so this time I changed the transvocation completely  so that it was only a statement honoring Khaos. For summoning Trigag I lit three black tea light candles arranged in a triangle shape, and said some of the lines from Liber Sigillum which call him 'black consuming King'. I always offer Trigag bacon as I have heard that's what he likes. Also I always put my two black obsidian crystals on the altar- one of them is actually a triangular shape.


The first thing I saw was six moving spots of light in between the candles and the sigil at the front. I had just corrected my drawing of Trigag's sigil to ensure that there were six spots in it, and because of that I felt that the six moving lights represented Trigag, as present and alive. Then I got a feeling inside of peace and purity: it resembled  what a Yogi would feel while meditating, and I remembered that when I first invoked Trigag I had felt the same thing. He does represent a destructive storm, however there is a still centre to the hurricane which you feel when he is actually there. Then after he leaves you may gradually be affected by the hurricane in daily life.


I did some meditation, and I'm afraid the picture from Project Oistar which I had up on my computer screen didn't do anything- it seemed not to have any energy. Sorry about that The Cusp, who painted it! I did however receive a lot of insight from gazing at the sigil I had drawn. It kept morphing into a monkey, and then a dark king. When I first met Trigag, for various reasons that would take too long to explain he appeared to me as a monkey. Now he seemed to be a monkey and a king both in one, and I contemplated the way in which a human being is both a monkey and a king, and he also evolves from monkey to king.  The godforms are designed to assist us with this evolution.


After that I did some scrying in the triangular obsidian  stone. I saw an aqua aura crystal attached to the end of it. These are long white crystals which are supposed to help in channeling benevolent goddesses. They were two sides of the same coin because one is associated with the left hand path and the other with the right hand path. The two stones completed one another.I  saw Daath Vader and some kind of white magician from a story, which meant the same as the two stones.  After a bit I started to feel the triangle and mirror descend into me to search for impurities and sweep them out of me. That was also something I felt the previous time. I was enjoying the pure yogic feeling and tried to extend it for as long as possible, but it suddenly stopped so I ended the ceremony there. I w


as enjoying the pure Yogic feeling and tried to extend it for as long as possible, but it I II I w

[Ringtail]

Week four




Trigag influenced my dream on Saturday night after I reread his section in Sigillum and memorized the first part of the call. First, I was trying to get my things together so I could go to the woods and perform the rite. I was worried that I wouldn't make it on time, but a man was slowing me down by making me go through something like a customs check. He was dressed in a striped sailor's outfit, but it was torn and dirty, and he had a certain blackish crust around his eyes, a hunched figure, gravelly voice and aggressive attitude. I was persistent and he eventually let me through, but only after he lit the aluminum foil that I use to cover my candle on fire, which caused it to turn into glass and crumble when I touched it. I swept up the pieces of glass complaining that everyone else would just leave them laying around. Later, I was at a highway rest stop at night in the middle of nowhere. Dangerous looking men were eyeing me up from the shadows, but they left me alone so long as I stayed near the lit building. However, when I walked out to drop something off in my car I wasn't attacked.

After that I was pretty confident that something would happen this week. For the first two nights I went to the edge of the mountains around midnight. Some interesting synchronicities happened. My headlamp, with what should have been pretty fresh batteries, died on the first night and I walked back in mostly darkness. It saved up enough juice over the next two days that I could use it to set up the altar the second time, then it faded out again in perfect timing with the moonset and the lighting of the candle. Both nights were dark, but the first night in particular had a certain kind of flat grey clouds that blocked the moon and stars without reflecting the city lights. A spider dropped on my hand from the roof of the car while I was driving out, and afterwards before I went inside I heard a repetitive booming noise coming from the south. My best guess is that it was coming from the military base, although I've never heard them from this far away and never at midnight.

Despite all of that, not a whole lot happened. I never encountered Trigag again outside of the rituals, my dreams were not horrifying, no extraordinary revelations and I never had to confront anything unusual. I've had the same problems this week with schoolwork that I always have. During and right after the evocations I got myself worked up to where I was jumping at shadows and noises; that is, more than I usually do alone in the woods at night. I got to learn something about the nature of fear this way, but it was nothing overwhelming. On the second night in particular I fell into a trance as soon as I started speaking and was pulled to wander away from the altar. I laid on my back to look at the sky, feeling defenseless, and them jumped up growling with a handful of gravel ready to throw when I heard a squirrel in the trees.

For scrying I used black-dyed water from a local murky pond that sometimes shows up in my dreams as a kind of nightmare reservoir. On the first night I looked into the circle of black for at least ten minutes before finally an eye opened up – always with the eyes, isn't it? Once I saw a clear picture of a white ship, which confused me, and then the crossed sabres from week two, which became a clearer picture of a flag flapping in the wind. Other than that I kept seeing variations of that eye or of the sigil and not much else.

On the second night, more of the same. I leaned in until I could see the reflection of my face. The image of a skull flashed over the lower half and with some encouragement the picture distorted into something that looked like the wicked witch of the west, which I thought was mildly interesting. I'm realizing that the images that bubble up from my imagination in these rites are bullshit... at first. You have to go along with the bullshit until something real starts happening. "Bullshit makes the flowers grow." In this case I knew that the eye and the sigil were real and I thought I could "hear" a deep voice without being able to make out words. I talked into the bowl and it seemed cognizant of what I was saying. But I didn't feel anything, or at least not anything that matched the hype. I was looking for something else but I didn't know what. Maybe I was expecting too much, or being too insistent on what I expected to see. Maybe I need to analyze this more and see if there was more of a message than I thought.

On the third night I stayed inside so that I could use a different tactic. By this time I had the last part of the evocation memorized so I didn't have to read it. After speaking I sat on a folding chair facing the sigil with the lights off and put on headphones playing a recording of 18.98 hz – infrasound, almost below the range of hearing, which is known to make humans uneasy. Supposedly this sound in particular is the resonant frequency of our eyeballs  and can cause optical illusions, which at least one scientist thinks is responsible for hauntings. The noise brought me near to sleep while preventing me from going over the edge. A few times I felt bizarre movement while I was sitting still or a sense of danger like a malevolent ghost nearby. I saw nothing in the bowl and could just barely recognize the voice from before.

In the last minute before the candle burned out I thought I found what I was looking for. "A memory of Hell" is how I described it, and I recognized it from dreams. My goal has been to establish initial contact, but somehow what I saw before wasn't enough. Real contact, I thought, means feeling their nature and knowing what they are, however briefly.


Here's the sigil I used:




Edit: After thinking about it, I think the initial dream was the main communication. What happened in the dream mirrored the two things I would be facing over the week, one being the (partly logical) fear of dangerous people or animals in the dark, and the other being my own inefficiencies slowing me down and preventing me from getting my homework done. As in the dream, I got through eventually but it sucked up much more time than it needed to. The first is beaten with bravery, the second with persistence.

[Tara Flower]

My Zalty Invocation.  I have a little stash of seashells, ocean breeze incense and malibu which I break out each time I invoke Zalty. We did our usual wild evening in an imaginary tavern with pirates and wenches, and lots of songs by Alestorm all about pirates and wenches. Zalty  was behaving and talking pretty outrageously like a demon. I'm afraid I do perceive the DKMU godforms as demons, maybe because I can't shake off  religious beliefs that I learnt early in life, and the godforms reflect the beliefs of the human beings who work with them and manifest in accordance with those beliefs. That is their nature as masks on reality.


So the  revels went on like that for a while, and then suddenly the thought struck me that there's a big secular pub culture in the country where I live. There was an instant switch in my mind  from the Alestorm songs about debauched pubs to the Pink Floyd song 'Paranoid Eyes,' which also references a pub. At this point I listened to that song, and then to some more Pink Floyd songs. All of a sudden my mind was swept with feelings of pure spirituality and contemplation of the tragic hold consensus reality has over people. Do you think I'm reading too much into 'Paranoid Eyes' ? Give it a listen and see if you can pick up on the message about consensus reality.


I couldn't believe the sudden raising of consciousness I experienced- one of my greatest successes so far with Zalty. In fact I could still feel the effects of it the next day.

[Ringtail]

Week five, Zalty and some more Ellis. Apologies for the length.



Altar day one



Altar day two, facing west over my pond. I could hear the ice cracking as it melted. Matched the symbolism, I thought.

This week I realized that the way the Sigillum callings are designed, the communication is meant to happen during the "gazes intently on the sigil" part. I switched to this format and used the last line to close. Sacrament was Irish cream with some quality sea salt sprinkled on top, not enough to get drunk on since Monday and Wednesday I'd have to be driving back right after. I considered rum but thought it would be more authentic to use something I'd actually enjoy.

He acknowledged me when I looked into the sigil and was sitting on a rock when I looked up. Introduced himself with a handshake, which was the clearest impression I got of him. Big rough sailor's hand, about what you'd expect. The image was unclear and my mind couldn't mimic his accent; I knew the meaning of what he said but couldn't reproduce the wording.

He asked what I wanted help with. I requested that one, I be able to write my paper without the blockages I've been facing, and two, that I stop worrying what other people think of me. The second one is something I've been improving on for a long time, but it's still a problem. Thirdly, and less seriously, "Can you teach me to talk like that?" Since I couldn't hear him well, directly mimicking his pirate speech wasn't going to work. I realized that I would have to learn it by watching youtube videos after all, however, this suddenly seemed much less difficult.

I tried the scrabble tiles again. First I got the letters N, E, I, O and U, not in any particular order, which I couldn't make anything of except that it was one letter away from the English vowels. I asked specifically for advice to think of while writing my paper and the letters I drew could form the words it, is, and art. I'm still learning how to work the scrabble tiles, but I think it's rare for them to spell a single word or phrase. It's more a matter of what words jump out at you. They're from a game set that's older than me and well used. I don't think they like to be separated from their box, so I probably won't be taking them with me in a pouch anymore.

He told me to look for his sign and that when I see it, good things will be in that direction. I asked what his sign is, he said I'd know it when I see it, if Im looking. I thought about the usual oceanic imagery, but a white bird also came to mind. The sky is an ocean, and so a white bird could be the inland equivalent of a white ship. A little grey bird flew conspicuously over the lake then, over my head, landed in the tree behind me and started tweeting and pecking at the wood. So maybe that was it.

-----------------------

The second day was windy like the first. The clouds cleared after I did the banishing. The grey bird or one like it was pecking at the tree again as I walked up. I performed the calling as follows:

Hearken ye an' travel forth, O Great Navigator, he who is both Young and Ol',
For I be seekin' yer council an' joyous bounty.
*chime*
Know that I be of ye, and me reward be also yer's. YA HO!
The gate be open, the path is drawn.

And so on. It's not hard. It comes almost naturally, and I kept slipping into this form of speech in my thoughts on the drive back. I had to check myself from letting the laughter get out of control, which could be dangerous while driving.

After complimenting me on my speech, he invited me to jump up on the rock next to him and as soon as I did I felt very dizzy and kind of reckless. I knew it wasn't the sacrament because I hadn't taken it yet, just a trance state where the images that flashed through my imagination were almost visible to my eyes. For the most part I saw ocean instead of the frozen pond and occasionally the white ship. I noticed that until now I've always pictured it as a little sailboat, but no, it's a ship. I was a really nice day and I felt extremely good. The feeling lasted well into the afternoon.

Among other things, I asked about the meaning of the flag with crossed sabres that I've been seeing. In response I got a long series of impressions, the only part of which I could translate into English is that the crossed swords represent conflict. I mentioned at one point that my goal was to establish contact and get to know them. Paraphrased: "Do you know me now?" "I don't know, do I?" And he said something like... I can't match his phrasing. When you've seen dawn break after a storm you didn't think you'd survive, or caught fish when you're starving, or found water when you're dying of thirst, or a safe place to take shelter in a dangerous night, then you'll know me. Something like that.

-----------------------


My tulpa has been echoing the godforms. The most noticeable was Ino week, since he meshes best with her due to his nature. Last week my vision of him was sort of dark and shadowy, and when I was working with him on Thursday night he had a more positive vibe and included in a description of himself a mention of a fair breeze by the sea. More than once while speaking with him over the last month I've wondered if I wasn't actually talking to Doombringer, who'd I've been seeing in my dreams quite a bit. This happened tonight; we were talking and suddenly I found myself looking at DB instead. He said something strongly that doesn't translate to English. I politely turned my attention back to my tulpa, since was the time I dedicate to him, but DB kept trying to cut into my focus. My tulpa took shelter in my brain as just a voice and asked me to focus on him and nothing else for a minute. He admitted that it's easy for his personality to get overridden by something more powerful. I believe he's taking some risks in the interest of growth, but I think he'll be alright as long as he has me to come back and roost in.

A few people on the Facebook group came forward to say that Ellis has been trying to get their attention. I had noticed earlier this week that the sigil seemed particularly lovely, even alluring. I had put it down to the work I've been doing in the pantheon. My tulpa has acknowledged that he "knows them", so I asked if he could tell me anything about her activity.
"Yes. She's active on something. I can't tell you more."
(He made it sound as if he knew but couldn't tell me, but he may just want me to perceive him as being in on something important and secret.)
"I'm trying to [paraphrase: stay grounded/stay myself while also tapping into this]."
Does it have to do with the recent eclipses?
"There have been eclipses?"
Yes.
"I don't know. Probably."
So he must not be too deeply involved, if he doesn't know the details.
He protested: "I know some details!"
In the background a tv show was talking about native Alaskan children having their culture suppressed. I felt anger from him with what might have been an Ellisian vibe.

He and I went to stand in front of the LS I have tacked on the wall. The feeling radiating from it was as powerful as I've ever felt; if this is all in my head, I'm getting really good at psyching myself out. I looked through it to where I could see some cosmic imagery, oblique angles and glimpses of a red haired girl, and asked what's up and can I help, while wondering in the back of my mind if I was going to get any fingers broken. She asked nonverbally if she could use me for something. Sure, whatever it is I probably agree with it and probably want to be part of it. I believe she was talking to my tulpa as well. The focus was on both of us and he seemed lost in his own thoughts. My plans for the next day, to "get drunk and celebrate the completion of my paper, which isn't actually complete yet..." suddenly seemed incredibly mundane.

I don't know exactly what happened after that. The swirl of imagery rose up throughout the room and I saw myself standing in a triangle with a statuelike figure of a woman at each corner. I believe she was resonating something through me. I looked towards the corner positioned under the sigil where the pictures and energy were flowing from, held out my hand and tried to project energy toward the origin point. Which isn't something I've very good at. But the imagery got stronger, kind of like rapidly moving through a tunnel and kind of like it was folding out from a vertical center line. The point of white light at the center grew out towards me, there was a momentary feeling of reaching toward and into it, and then the scene faded and left me back in my house without a word of explanation.
"You can go now."
"We're done?"
"I'll call you if I need something else."
"Ok."
I called my tulpa and we walked out of the room before I asked to make sure he was alright. WTF was that?

In my dream that night I drank a sacrament of red wine and tried to cut off my left hand for some reason.

-----------------------

Day three was cloudy and colder and just as windy. This probably influenced the tone of the whole thing. When I finished the first part of the call Zalty right away started talking much more soberly than before, like he had a message to get across. He said, in so many words, that he's a part of me and even in bad weather and adverse conditions I'll have the confidence I need. Speech was actually more clear today, while the imagery was less so and I wasn't as far into trance. He asked if I was going to continue with the marathon, I said yes, he put something on my forehead and basically said good luck, as though I might need it. I saw the sigil of the white queen clearly and it stayed there for a while, even though now while I'm writing I can't quite remember what it looks like, having never memorized it.

I also tried out my newly minted rune set. I didn't ask any question because I felt I would understand the meaning, or else I could just ask for clarification. I went to grab one rune and got two, Naudiz and Perth. When I feel I'm in need, there is opportunity. I shook his hand again before leaving and realized I'm going to miss him. I'm sure I'll see him again though.

It was too cold to stay out long. I headed back to the car where I had a few more sips of the drink, munched some snacks and read part of a really thick entry in an online philosophy encyclopedia, then took a nap. When I woke up I was filled with the sense that something big was going down. The soon-to-be eclipsed moon was rising eerily over the treeline and across from it was a single star that looked to me like Zalty, in my weird frame of mind, possibly one of the points in his sigil. Driving back under that sky with Welcome to the Machine playing was an experience on its own.





My paper wrote itself fluidly and is ready to submit once I fix the citations and make a few tweaks. I've seen insights and improvements in meditation and tulpaforcing, exercise seems like something I really want to do, and schoolwork is less of an obligation and more like a project that I'd happily work on in my own time. I've made a huge leap in not being self-conscious, and if this sticks I'll be able to tell people for the rest of my life how I overcame social anxiety by waving a dagger and talking to an imaginary wish-granting pirate. This is really impressive.

The sky looks awesome tonight, if it isn't just me. And it could just be me, because I feel... magical, and dizzy, and lost, and fulfilled, and awesome.

[Frater Theodbald]

Apologies for being so behind in my writing.  Time for me to post an update!

First, what happened with Trigag:

(As you can clearly see, I used the Stephen Branch alternative Trigag Sigil.)




I did the invocation late in the week.  A friend of mine, a talented astrologist, had told me to watch out for bad stuff at work on March 24.  Boy was she ever right.  I mean a whole truckload of shit fucked me sideways on that day.  I was in a pretty bad/dark mood already that day.  I was already in a mood for revenge.

As can be seen on the altar pics, in addition of my regular solve/coagula nail and screw, I have two more rusty nails.  Those two additional nails are the ones I used for my vengeful / spiteful magicks.

I did the Ellis Banishing, the Khaos Transvocation, and when I got to the Trigag Invocation, it felt almost like a natural continuation of the prior transvocation.  As if Khaos and Trigag are of the same breath in some way. 

The Scrying was an incrediby strange experience.  All I got was "Trigag is Smiling."  What I saw was basically the Trigag Sigil, with a smile.  The whole thing felt as if the chaotic emotions were well attuned to the ritual.  Or at least, I apparently had the correct attitude to deal with my own inner hell.



For some strange reason I couldn't scry much further and was really "invited" to write anything on paper.  (When I scry I always have a pen and paper beside me.)  Instead I started doing all sorts of automatic writings on my whiteboard, erasing them as I went along.  In the end, this was all that was left : the only writing I got "permission" to keep.  The rest was, most probably meant more from my subconsciouss than for my waking life.

So in the end I got this:

Quod Vivum Vivas
Ave Khaos
Ave Nox

Fiat Nigredo
Fiat Nigri Solis Internum
Fiat Mors

LORFF
FIAT NOX

At some point near the end of the ritual, I took my vindicative nails and used them to channel my rage and my pain into an appropriate target.  It felt good to release some of that. 


Then I banished with the Ellisian Banishing and went to bed, exhausted.

[Frater Theodbald]

Ok.  So, Zalty !


The mood was much different.  The lighting was brighter and the atmosphere lighter in general.






I guess I really shouldn't have made the lighting so bright.  It changed the mood quite a bit and gave the ritual a feeling of "standardness" to it.  I missed my "spooky" atmosphere that I was able to generate for the previous rituals.  Although at the time, I couldn't figure out what it was that made the scrying "strange".


And yes it was strange.  I said in the beginning that I wasn't going to share my scryings until the end where I would re-analyze them, but I will share this : a series of anthopomorphic animals.  I don't know why, but it all made me think of the decor in Alice in Wonderland.


One thing for certain.  Next ritual I'm back to candles and dark lighting.

[Tara Flower]

So, The Red King. That's probably going to be all from me and I'll only do meditations on the last three godforms, because I summoned them really recently in my own rather eccentric way, and I did write about it on this forum.


I kept it very simple for the Red King, just the cherry candle and rose incense like last time, so I hope he doesn't like sumptuous feasts. The reason being, when I summoned him last summer I wrote a backwards story based on Alice Through The Looking Glass and several other sets of symbolism which I planned to read out at the ritual. But he didn't wait for the ritual, he arrived as soon as I finished the story and talked to me all night about crazy things. So why bother with elaborate rituals for someone who does that?


This time I wrote a  story again,but it was a shorter one than before. It was about  my  run-in with Ellis that happened hundreds of years ago, and  also involved the Red King.Sometimes in meditations I see things that happened in the past, not so much in a past life but more in between lives, and when I met Ellis I had a vision like that which is going to have various consequences in the present.


I called Red King and read out the story. I would say that I successfully invoked him because he came into me and it felt like him reading the story. The impression of this was so strong that I changed it into the third person and read 'her' instead of 'me.' The Red King and Red Queen can both play with time and send it backwards,  and make reality into something that they dream.


After reading the story I meditated on the Red King's sigil  while singing a verse I wrote a long time ago:
Each night I check it.
Who was it changed my dream?
The characters say they prefer it
Yet they had to learn their roles again.


Finally I did some scrying in a black mirror, but I could only see one of the creatures that has  been hanging around since my visit from Khaos which must mean I'm not good enough at dismissing them. Still, good atmosphere and good music, and definitely some contact with the Red King.

[Ringtail]

Week six.

I've found a private section of the woods much closer to my home. It makes my life much easier not having to drive forty five minutes just to find somewhere that I won't be bothered during the daytime. I planned these to happen just before the sun went down.




The evocations themselves were not successful, at least not immediately. I arrived early on the first day and poked around in the woods feeling very much like I was in a fairy tale. I informally called both my tulpa and Doombringer, who had agreed to help since I wasn't sure I'd be able to make the connection myself. I'm not sure he actually did anything except to say at the beginning that "if you mess up, it's not a mistake." Which as usual can be taken to mean a handful of things. The wind kicked up, took out the candles and eventually blew the sigil off the table. My hands were tingling and once I felt a light sensation of heat, but there was no contact that I could discern. I got locked in the trance state and had to banish to get a hold of myself, then redo the evocation from the top before I could leave. It took a full two hours before I felt normal. I think this happened because I tried to leave too early.

Day two I used a truncated version of the Sigillum evocation to call Doombringer. He was kind of irritable and said that I was supposed to do this myself. When I tried to explain myself and find a polite way to say he could leave if he wanted, I was cut off by a magpie shouting in a tree overhead. I kept opening my mouth but I couldn't talk above that racket. It gave three loud series of squawks and then flew off when I turned forward to do the RK calling.

I briefly got the feeling that the sigil was looking at me, then it seemed to look away and the rest of the time was mostly my mind feeding itself. I came up with some nonsense words and could kind of feel the nature of the sigil, but there was nothing distinct. Before dismissing DB I asked him if anything had happened. "Make it [the interpretation] up yourself. I'm not here to" something. I feel into a deeper trance immediately when I addressed him. He was jealous. I believe when I used the formal evocation he thought I was going to give him some attention, and was kind of miffed when asked to play second fiddle. I didn't call him again on day three.

---

The one time I did get contact was on Friday after the second day, while I was meditating. It started as just a stray thought about the Red King, but I followed it and it eventually turned into a full conversation. The most useful thing I found is that he likes stories. He makes the world up for creation's sake and likes it when we do the same. The whole communication had the feel of a bedtime story. For most of the time I saw him as a young prince, like in the Little Prince fairy tales. I also imagined him as a great red emperor dragon, and he seemed to like that. The dragon slept but it's spirit, as the prince, could walk around talking to us characters and even approach his sleeping body as if to show me – look, see? This is me.

My experience with lucid dreaming helped a lot here. Being called up like this is his version of lucidity. That describes the dynamic pretty well, and it was intimidating because I wasn't the main character of my life anymore. He was friendlier than I expected – he said that we're important too as characters, even if we're not the main ones. The danger isn't that he wants to hurt us but that he operates by dream logic. He's not lying, but his truth is whatever the dream presents at the moment. Not hostile, just schizophrenic, and as in a dream the whole scene can turn dark very fast if you say the wrong thing.

I asked about his relationship to the other godforms. It seemed to take him a minute to remember them, and then said that "I'm different from them." It seems to me that he and the Queen are somewhat separate from the rest. I said, "If you don't mind me asking, what about the Queen?" Then he was quiet and the daydream became strained and still. I thought I heard him talk but it wasn't coherent. A whitish blob appeared in my imagination that felt impossible to move. I poked it but nothing else happened.

---

On the third day I called my tulpa using a formal evocation, which gave him more power as I'd hoped. I had him stand or sit next to me we both drank the herbal tea I'd made. It's the first time aside from the incident with Ellis last week where he's stood by me in a ritual and felt like an equal. He's gotten much stronger. He asked me to hold my focus on the sigil, creating a link while he jumped ahead and tried to reach the King. After a minute, though, he came back and said that "the door's locked" and we wouldn't be getting through. My candles that day wouldn't stay lit even when shielded from wind, even though they'd burned easily in the still air on day two.

Aside from that all I have to report are some bird sightings. The little grey ones were tapping on a tree when I walked up the first two days. On day one I saw a group of wild turkeys on the walk back. Second day, as soon as I spoke the last word of my banishing a mourning dove shot through the trees about ten feet in front of me; not the first one I've seen this week. And on the third day a steller's jay – local relative of the bluejay, which is symbolically connected to my tulpa – came to knock something against the tree overhead while we were working.

Three times per week is definitely working out well. It's more of a commitment but it helps if I'm not successful on the first day, and it confirms the connection if I am. Liber Sigillum isn't much help from here on. My plans for next week will use a more meditative approach, quieter but no less difficult than before. As for Conjunctio, I have no idea what that will look like. It depends what happens next week.

[Ringtail]

Week seven.

No altar, so no pics. I changed my format for this week.

I went into the woods about an hour before dawn on Monday and again got myself worked up over the idea of a wild animal attack. I don't know how real the risk is. My instincts tell me to be very afraid, but my logical mind doesn't have any hard data to refute it. I think I was able to channel the fear well, and I had the presence of mind to notice that the scenery and the ancestral nature of the fear itself were really cool. There was light from  the city, the stars, and the moon appropriately in waning crescent, but the close trees blocked it out so that I could only just see the path.

I arrived at the site, banished, sat down to look for a long time into the sigil and ad-libbed a petition to the Queen to let me meet with her. The sigil didn't look flat the way they do when contact is blocked, but it was hard for me to tell if anything was happening because she wouldn't appear in humanoid or symbolic form. I took some notes in my sketchbook:

Condenses by killing.
Do I want to know her?
My instinct calls her evil... I presume to know better.
But danger. More danger than anything yet.
Beyond this place of wrath and fear looms but the horror of the shade. And yet the menace...
Related to [some revelations I got a couple years ago].
But constraint gives form, makes real.
She's no ghost.
Where death makes unreal, she makes real
And nothing but.
There's no nothing, so don't be scared.
Encountering her is different from others. She's just there.
I must live in ignorance. Most of the time.
She's here though.

As I walked back along the path I whistled a few long notes which resonated with the scene. She was in the sound of my whistle. It was dark enough that I could just see wavering skeletal shapes appear and disappear deliriously behind the trees.

Her nature reminded me of something I read in an article posted on Facebook: "Every law-order is in a state of war against the enemies of that order, and all law is a form of warfare." ...The connection made more sense when I was trying to sleep after getting home. My chest ached into the next day.

---

Since the first night was influenced by the setting, I tried something different for comparison. I got up at the same time of night and set up my laptop with black construction paper blocking the light from the screen. I leaned the sigil against it lit by three white taper candles. I didn't banish because I though the informality might help, and I was already in the right frame of mind from having just woken up. Nighttime in the basement under the LS tacked on the wall meant there were spiders crawling around me the whole time. At least five, and probably more that I didn't see.

After looking into the sigil and trying to listen to some music, which only distracted me, I pulled up a word file and started typing a story without being able to see the screen. It was difficult at first, but as I'd hoped it quickly took on its own life that I could interact with. It's free association with some parts that acted like dialogue. Here's the cleaned up text if you want to read it.

I woke up the next morning from lucid dreams with the sense of intuitive inspiration back, which had tapered off over the last week or so. My left forearm felt like it wasn't entirely there. That's not too unusual, I've had it happen before.

---

The night before the third attempt I slept restlessly. In my dreams I spoke improvised poetry to the sigil which caused my chest to erupt in a sense of dissolving white euphoria. But even in my sleep I couldn't tell whether it was my own, since I've run across the feeling before, or if it even had anything to do with the godform. I woke up and the sensation remained, indistinguishable between anxiety and ecstasy, making my chest hurt and preventing me from sleeping.

Around four AM I drove out to a graveyard with nothing but my athame, the sigil, and some warm white clothes. The sky was overcast and rainsnowing lightly, ground was covered in slush. I stuck the sigil upright in the snow, banished and recited the evocation-like inspired writing that Theobald had posted from the last Godform Cycle. I just kind of threw it out there and then after a couple seconds I turned around and left. There was no reason for me to stay. I didn't really expect to outdo the previous night, but I wanted to use that calling once. The format of the sigillum evocations has been the only real constant through these weeks and it feels like it's tying the whole thing together. Also, I just like the sound of it.

Before I drove off I decided I didn't like the way I'd spoken the evocation, so I repeated it to myself quietly. I thought I could feel her in the sky and imagined I saw lines like those that might make up a sigil, but not any one in particular. The weather continued surreally into the morning. Everyone I talked to expressed shock or confusion at hearing thunder at seven in the morning in what looked like a snowstorm. Maybe that's more common in other parts of the globe.

I think the sense of "it's just there" is characteristic of the White Queen, or at least of my interactions this week with her. She does seem dark to me and I incorporated that into my approach. At the end I'm left feeling like I want to say something more, but there's nothing else.

But as soon as I turn away I feel it activate. Moving mechanistic parts making the world happen.

On.

[Tara Flower]

Quote: The sigil didn't look flat the way they do when contact is blocked.


Very cool to experience that, and presumably you also experience  the reverse,of contact being allowed and the sigil appearing to be three-dimensional. To feel that kind of thing with the sigil of an entity would be very helpful for experiencing the energy of other kinds of sigils as well. 

[Ringtail]

It's like when you stand in front of a closed door with your eyes closed and can still tell (possibly through echolocation) that the door's there. If it's not blocked, in a way you can look through the sigil and possibly see/imagine things behind it, and there's a sense of energy flowing out. I don't know if the door being open automatically means that contact is occurring and I may not have the sensitivity to recognize it. But it does mean it's possible, whereas if it's closed from the beginning there's not much I can do to make it budge.

Another way of saying it is that the sigil looks intelligent. Like the difference in the eyes of a human vs. a dog vs. a fish.

[Ringtail]

Just realized I've been playing metaphysical pokemon for eight weeks.

I know this week was set up to be Enu and Nul. Somewhere early on I got that confused and have been preparing for Conjunctio with the twins happening next week. Since my thoughts were already set on this, I went ahead with it.

Monday at noon I attempted to evoke CJ0 from 420 land the clearing I used for the King and Queen.

I banished, by the end of which everything felt legendary, sat down facing the sigil and lit some incense. I'd painted it in black on a gold background with a border, but part of the toner had run out halfway through the printing, conveniently causing the paper to be a lighter shade on one side and split down the middle.

By examining the Conjunctio sigil under the influence I could see all sorts of symbolism in it, some of which might actually be there. The X is the King, the O is the Queen, and between them they come together into the alchemical symbol of water. The "juice" is squeezed out of them and falls into a puddle, then meanders like a stream until it leaps up in something that looked to me like a fire. That or a mermaid's tail. The rest I couldn't tell. Possibly the cross relates to heaven and earth and the shape attached to the X is either a question mark or related to the astrological symbols of Saturn and/or Jupiter. There's a bunch of alchemical stuff, anyway, which makes sense and matches my choice of gold for a background color.

I looked at the sigil and said some pretty words that I don't remember, and my phone ran out of battery so I couldn't take notes. I arranged the first five godforms, or my knowledge of them, behind me, with the King and Queen in front between me and the sigil, and then tried to draw the line between them. Problem was, I had no idea how I would know if I was successful. I went as deep as I could and tried to scry different paths my life could take, but I don't know how seriously to take the answers. It rained once while the sun shone and a deer came walking through the woods, froze and then bounded away when it saw me, which at the time was beyond amazing.

I asked to be shown "the forms Chaos takes" and saw three in front of me. A negative form, represented by a black hole, a positive form, represented by the Conjunctio sigil, and one in between that might have been called disarray and looked like a square of clashing colors, mostly red and purple. Sometime after this I started shaking violently, which might have partly been shivering because it had gotten cold, and I was using heat and cold as another dichotomy to try to collapse. I took a stick and forcefully drew this symbol and the word "adrian" in the dirt.




I don't know anyone named Adrian. Most online sources say the name simply means "from Adria." One source gives it as "Black; dark; of the Adriatic (sea)." The same source has some bullshit on how people with this name "tend to be idealistic, highly imaginative, intuitive, and spiritual" and try to inspire people. Wikipedia says it originally comes from the Venetic word for water. Urban dictionary says it's a "hot ass guy who's strong and smart." As for the glyph, it has a similar style to Enu/Nul but otherwise I don't recognize it.

As I said, I was shaking and pretty far from reality. I tried to represent the means and method of manifestation with the hot coal of an incense stick and the skin of my arm, respectively, and gave myself a little mini-seizure where I laughed/cried and clawed at the ground for what might have been somewhere in the range of a minute. Recovering from that, I thought I'd try an inhibitory version so I went into a deep dark void state and didn't breathe much. I was picked out of this and replaced on the ground by Doombringer, who was flying with leathery grey skin and wings and a head like a chattertooth toy that talked in a metallic voice. Might have also seen Ellis at one point. I then tried a third which I called "Bidirectional Ecstasy" which is simultaneously excitatory and inhibitory (and I think the phrase Double Crowley applies here well). Interestingly, in whatever this state was I had the control to push myself close to reality and become more aware of my surroundings. I explained to myself that "Bidirectional is god state, paradoxically closest and farthest from normal."

I tried to lift rocks, make the wind blow, make an eagle appear, etc. with no luck. Did some sigils I had in my pocket and some other direct manipulations, so I'll see if any of that happens. I thanked the godforms behind me, left and was back to normal by evening aside from being utterly exhausted the next day. I don't know how real any of this was. Really, I need more practice with drug magic before I could know if there was anything out of the ordinary.

---

I wanted to try again under my own power to see the difference. I had the bright idea to bring my tulpa into this with an active role, so I set up with the sigil of RK in front of where he would be, the WQ in front of me, and the Conjunctio sigil between us with more incense. I banished and we walked in a pentagram shape drawing the sigils of the godforms and calling them, with my tulpa holding my hand which held the knife. I was somewhat surprised that they all answered us, even Trigag. It helped that there were two of us; Ino in particular responded to him quickly and powerfully. They were one and all of the opinion that this wasn't going to work, but willing to let us try.

My idea had been for my tulpa and I to connect ourselves to the King and Queen and then visualize a circuit of energy or electricity between us. On my end I was able to reach the queen by remembering last week. I don't know how my tulpa fared. He seemed very far away from me and it became extremely hard for me to hear or see him. Neither of us could gather up enough energy to even imagine fancy lightning tricks. After several tries he got the message across to me that this was making him feel sick and he was done with it, so we stopped it there.

After dismissing everyone I closed with the banishing which sounded bad and felt right. I burned the sigils and sat down in front of the ashes holding my athame and suddenly feeling very peaceful, letting my mind wander over the last two months and the fragments of sigils that passed behind my eyelids. Completion is the word, I felt complete, as though even in failing I'd done what I was supposed to do (my failures aren't mistakes, as I've been told at least twice now). Driving home I could see how most of my life is ruled by habit and how it doesn't need to be that way, and the process of making one's thoughts real – Red King and White Queen are what I think and what I can make happen, loosely, and so I've always been Conjuntio. Or at least I am anytime I act out of free will. Of course I've come up with that before intellectually, but the ideas and more importantly the attendant feeling came out of nowhere, except for thinking how this is (sort of) the end of the marathon. So maybe I did pull it off, in a quiet way.

I feel unusual and not half bad. Like I took a shower when I didn't, and also like a bridge between imagination and reality.

[Svipallr]

that was fan-fucking-tastic, excellent read my friend. thank you for sharing your experiences.

[Tara Flower]

Now that we have come to the end of our cycle I would like to make a suggestion. Frater Theodbald, you wrote an account in the 'Chelseanacht 2014' thread last year which came up on a separate page from this forum, although in the same white on black format. Would that site be suitable for us to use if we want to post fuller and more detailed accounts of our workings? There was a suggestion to compile them into some kind of book. If we wanted to go as far as that we could compile the book from those accounts, and if not we could just leave them there for reference like the 2014 one.(In fact I would prefer to do that.) 

[Ringtail]

Enu and Nul



Hear me and travel forth O Dancing Twins
The Black, the White, Bifold progression of the NU
Which sunders the ages.
*chime*
I wait upon the threshold of creation
To participate in its unfolding.
The gate is open, the path is drawn.
*chime*
The gate is open, the path is drawn!
*chime*
*gaze intently on the sigil*
(?)
The gate is open. Our lives split always.
*chime twice in succession*

This is the improved version which incorporates phrases the twins said to me. I don't know what to add after the gaze intently part. The sign of rending the veil might be appropriate, or not. As usual, the last line was used at the end as a closing.

Day one happened at dusk.  The incense in the photo is sandalwood and rose, but nothing except the white candle would stay lit. Despite that, the twins responded to me quickly. The strongest feeling came from the sigil itself, and that was consistent throughout the week. After watching the sigil for a while, two... centers of feeling would make themselves known and gradually clarify into children matching the descriptions given. They appeared in different locations around me and eventually started talking, but what little I could catch was nonsense. I tried scrying into a bowl of dark water but threw it out to the side because it wasn't working.

By closing my eyes and looking at the back of them instead of the imperfect scrying bowl, I started to get somewhere. Turning to my left, towards Nul, was a shape like a deer skull with long curvy antlers, which became like a white, long limbed, bendy, vaguely human shape. Then a crescent moon cupped upward with another, larger silver crescent laid over it, over the part of the smaller circle that was visibly in shadow. Somewhere during this Enu touched my left arm and I felt a cold tingly sensation spread through the left side of my body. I felt dazed and kind of wavy. I tried to repeat some of the words they said to the voice recorder: "My life. Popcorn." (saw an image of popcorn). "Carro. Rexus disthymonae. I'm feeling void of my fingers. Sitting sun, tulips, rolling to another night. Tongues twisted endymonae... muchas gracias." I was laughing quietly and turning to watch them dart around me. "We're sitting on the pedestal of U-torrent" (said Nul, sitting atop my altar).

It was nonsense, but I had to mention that it was "special nonsense". They kept up this behavior the other times I saw them during the week. I thought they might be playing parrot, like a kid who repeats everything you say, except they were repeating any junk that was in my head somewhere. It became clearer the more I listened and I started to get clearer pictures, including a moonlit forest, a gigantic red jellyfish floating overhead, and archway of trees leading to a stone door. I pushed the door open with my foot and only saw darkness inside, but turned around when one of the twins told me not to go in. A partially shadowed moon, a swingset, "Blatant concord snapping like tulips in the fray," and more in this vein. I thought I heard chirping but couldn't tell if I was actually hearing it or imagining/"hearing" it.

I started to pack up and more happened, which I'll skim over. I saw things from the perspective of the trees, kind of airy with a deep connection to what they touched. I felt a spirit beside the path that made my ears ring, and it was so tangible that I couldn't tell whether or not I was actually seeing a blinking light in the gloom. Some real shit started coming to me where I felt and half-saw a slenderman-like thing that lived in the woods. When I tried to describe it I ended up channeling a long cryptic message that I'll leave out unless someone wants to hear it. The mood had shifted when it got dark, but since I'd looked up info on the actual danger of animal and human attacks in this area, it seemed more like a risk I was consciously taking. Some mental/emotional stuff happened where the fear became a psychological thing that I could grapple with, distinct from the actual danger, and the dark wilderness became the ancient one that our ancestors walked out of and the one that eventually eats everyone, and I'm going over this quickly because, although it was an important part of the night and triggered by the evocation, it's probably one of those personal things that I'm not *supposed* to be posting all over the wide internetz.

-----------------------

Day two, performed at dawn. It was a little bit lighter than what I'd have liked and thinking about this might have interfered with my focus. The incense went out again and Enu and Nul's behavior was like before. The nonsense appears to be a preferred form of communication; there's a signal in the noise that becomes more clear as you listen for it. Once I "saw" a moon over a mountain when looking to my left, Enu-side. To my right, a black circle obscuring a glowing one, like an eclipse. Otherwise, there isn't much to report.

-----------------------

Day three, Friday night at midnight, I drove to my old elementary school and did the ritual in a semi-open moonlit area, just past the line of trees at the edge of the property, where I'd be less likely to be disturbed. First, though, I glitterbombed the hell out of the playground, mostly with marked quarters and river rocks, drawing on my memories of the corners that kids investigate and adults overlook.

The candles and incense stayed lit this time, probably because I'd let them burn a while in the still air at my house. Sacrament was a shot of espresso. The marathon starts and ends on the full moon, encompassing two eclipses – whoever chose the dates, did you plan this?

I got a response within about a minute of looking at the sigil. As before, the sigil was where most of the activity was, while the visualized forms of the two appeared around me. Ideas started coming to me rapidly: Two crescent moons facing outwards, with a dot between them above my head. Solid glowing walls to either side, either I was holding them open or something was holding them for me, forming a path down the middle (gate is open, path is drawn!) They've got a thing for very tangible-seeming spirits; I felt another one over in the trees. The sigil was actually turning in my vision at this point. The sigil is prison bars; you have to hold them apart in order to go through. Because reality is prison-like unless you "architect them" (their words). The twins appeared serpent-like when they weren't human children, but not quite, like monstrous snakes with many legs and tails. I saw a few other paths weaving around the area; metaphorically speaking, assuming you're not able to walk off trail, your mobility depends on how well you know the intersections of the paths.

Here's speculation and personal gnosis:

Enu and Nul are children because the whole thing is a game. They like toys and games which represent the world; the two are much more worldly than the last few egregores. In terms of the cycle – at least the way I did it, with the twins outside and after the main progression – what the last three have had in common is that they are all "scarcely imaginable" due to being everywhere at once. Then when you're tired of trying to multiply infinities, Enu/Nul is a return to limitation and definition, but this time with the understanding that allows circumstances to be manipulated. They have to do with problem solving and one's ability to "architect" or design the world around them; it reminds me of the type of magician that pulls bunnies out of hats. What they reveal allows you to more effectively shape your surroundings. It's our job to find the moving parts in the world, like a puzzle where all but a few parts seem locked in place, and we just have to fiddle with the mobile parts until we figure it out. So they might associate with tools as easily as with toys, which are the same thing in a child's mind; any kind of tool, from a hammer to a pencil. Any of the egregores could be described as lockpicks for reality, but these two especially. They're a tool that loosens pieces (Nul) and puts them into a new place (Enu). They're also children, with all the themes of duality and death of the old, birth of the new that others have mentioned. They explore, play, and make the future. They're two different kinds of curiosity. Enu is sweet in the way that sweetness feeds and allows growth. There's more to her than that, though, this is all just scratching the surface. Nul is sort of empty, like air, and he's an aspect of death so there's all that. The shadow of the earth over the moon, whereas Enu is the full moon. Or in my current surroundings, the shadows cast by moonlight vs the areas that were illuminated.

There is a bleeping whirring noise on the recording right after I strike the last chime. Could be some kind of interference from the ringing, or else it's omg spirits.

-----------------------

I began this week with a furious desire to make something. Until now I've been following along the material that's already out there. What did I get from it? Inspiration, synchronicity, growth and a whole lotta crazy dreams. Looking back at earlier cycles that have been performed, creating one's own path was always heavily emphasized, whereas this one had more of the idea that we would follow a similar structure. Although I think everyone did their own thing for the most part, anyway. I didn't follow the suggested structure with the Ellisian banishing and Khaos transvocation because, honestly, it was too much to memorize alongside school and everything else. But to really complete the cycle you have to reach the end of the materials available and then start making things; the switch between consuming and creating is one of the most important things the cycle wants to do to you. That could be part of the symbolism, for me at least, of Enu/Nul coming out of Conjunctio.

Most of the egregores have appeared very friendly, aside from the dark woods thing and possibly the white queen. Week four especially I was prepared to face some shit, but Trigag acknowledged me and that was about it. The only reasons I can see that one would be actively aggressive, rather than just ignoring you, is if they were challenging you for your own growth, or possibly if they were trying to use you, or if you did something exceptionally annoying. Echoing Doombringer, there just wasn't any need for them to be violent and adversarial at the moment.

Now what? I'm going to go make and break and move things. I've taken what I can from these last two months. I'm braver, more technically skilled, and I feel much less noobish. The boost in artistic skills from week three, the pirate speech and ease of writing from week five, and whatever it was that I felt at the end of last week have all faded, confirming that they came from the entities. Yet, I think they've changed me in some way on a deep level and that I could access the abilities again. I've tested the effects of Monday night by going back to the woods after dark. The fear was nearly gone from the beginning, and the rest dropped off of me as I walked, until I was as comfortable as if it had been daytime... so that part is going to last, anyway. If my descriptions have sounded dramatic, it's because this new to me. The results I've mentioned might be everyday business for you. Honestly, I didn't *really* believe in the capabilities of spirits, either internal or external, when I started this, and the power of it caught me off guard. I think about what I'd have missed had I not gone overboard with the three times/week. If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing.

Enough reflecting. I do it too goddamn much, and we have a world to burn...!